If every scar takes its place, then I'll never live freely without your trace.

40% FRIENDS

comment for add, but no promises (:

Turning your back, you button your blouse. That’s new.
You redirect the conversation. A man
has entered it. Your therapist has given you
permission to discuss this with me, the word
you’ve been looking for in desire.
You can now say “heterosexual” with me. We mean

different things when we say it. I mean
the life I left behind forever. For you, it’s a new
beginning, a stab at being normal again, a desire
to enter the world with a man
instead of a woman, and of course, there’s the word
you won’t claim for yourself anymore, you

who have children to think of, you
who have put me in line behind them and mean
to keep the order clear. It’s really my word
against yours anymore in this new
language, in this battle over how a man
is about to enter this closed room of desire

we’ve gingerly exchanged keys to, but desire
isn’t what’s at issue anyway, you
say to me. Instead I learn a man
can protect you in a way a woman only means
to but never can, and my world is too new
when there’s real life out there, word

after word for how normal looks, each word
cutting like scissors a profile of desire—
a man facing a woman, nothing particularly new
or interesting to me. I’ve wanted only to face you
and the world simultaneously, say what I mean
with my body, my choice to not be a man,

to be a woman with you, forget the man’s
part or how his body is the word
for what touch can contain, what love means.
If this were only about desire,
you say, I’d still desire you.
But it isn’t passion we’re defining, new

consequences emerge when a man and desire
are part of the words we hurl, you
changing how you mean loving—this terrible final news.

- Changing What We Mean by Eloise Klein Healy

“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”

—David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

“I think of our hands locked together. She does not reach the same sexual center of my being that man reaches; she does not touch that. What, then, has she moved in me? I have wanted to possess her as if I were a man, but I have also wanted her to love me with the eyes, the hands, the senses that only women have.”

If there is an explanation to the mystery it is this: The love between women is a refuge and an escape into harmony. In the love between man and woman there is resistance and conflict. Two women do not judge each other, brutalize each other, or find anything to ridicule. They surrender to sentimentality, mutual understanding, romanticism. Such love is death”

10 tips to help get your anger under control

1. Take a 'timeout.' Although it may seem cliche, counting to 10 before reacting really can defuse your temper.

(ARE YOU KIDDING? COUNT TO 10 THEN EXPLODE?)

2. Get some space. Take a break from the person you're angry with until your frustrations subside a bit.

(WHAT SPACE? SHE'S OVER THE FREAKING INTERNET.)

3. Once you're calm, express your anger. It's healthy to express your frustration in a nonconfrontational way. Stewing about it can make the situation worse.

(CALM ALREADY EXPRESS FOR WHAT FUCK? GOT POINT OR NOT?)

4. Get some exercise. Physical activity can provide an outlet for your emotions, especially if you're about to erupt. Go for a brisk walk or a run, swim, lift weights or shoot baskets.

(THE ONLY THING I WANT TO SHOOT IS THE ONE WHO MADE ME ANGRY. AND REALLY, DEADLINES ARE CLOSING, I GOT TIME TO RUN SWIM LIFT WEIGHTS, SURE LOR. OK LOR. YOU SAY SO LOR.)

5. Think carefully before you say anything. Otherwise, you're likely to say something you'll regret. It can be helpful to write down what you want to say so that you can stick to the issues. When you're angry, it's easy to get sidetracked.

(OMG. SHE DIDNT EVEN THINK BEFORE SHE MESSED UP MY WORK, I THINK FOR HER FOR WHAT? SO FUCKING BRAINLESS. I CANT EVEN WRITE IT ALL DOWN HOW BRAINLESS SHE IS. I CAN GO ON WRITING FOR YEARS.)

6. Identify solutions to the situation. Instead of focusing on what made you mad, work with the person who angered you to resolve the issue at hand.

(WORK WITH HER SOMEMORE? OK. AMUSE ME FURTHER PLEASE.)

7. Use 'I' statements when describing the problem. This will help you to avoid criticizing or placing blame, which can make the other person angry or resentful — and increase tension. For instance, say, "I'm upset you didn't help with the housework this evening," instead of, "You should have helped with the housework."

(OK. "I" THINK YOU ARE REALLY STUPID. THERE. OR. "I" AM UPSET YOU ARE SO STUPID.)

8. Don't hold a grudge. If you can forgive the other person, it will help you both. It's unrealistic to expect everyone to behave exactly as you want.

(OMG. REALLY? IT IS UNREALISTIC TO WANT TO THINK YOU HAVE A BRAIN YOU ARE NOT USING?!)

9. Use humor to release tensions. Lightening up can help diffuse tension. Don't use sarcasm, though — it's can hurt feelings and make things worse.

(HUMOR? WHAT HUMOR? I DONT EVEN KNOW I WANT TO LAUGH OR CRY NOW.)

10. Practice relaxation skills. Learning skills to relax and de-stress can also help control your temper when it may flare up. Practice deep-breathing exercises, visualize a relaxing scene, or repeat a calming word or phrase to yourself, such as "Take it easy." Other proven ways to ease anger include listening to music, writing in a journal and doing yoga.

I AM DAMN RELAXED NOW LOR. CANT TELL MEH.

I know in the past I've caused you pain & I'm sorry. & I'll always be sorry 'til the day I die. & I hate this pen I'm holding because I should be holding you. I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you want to hate me, go ahead. If you want to burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell; I'd go, if you wanted me to. & I'd send you a letter from there.

Bring me a lily and one loaf of bread
take me home now
I can’t forget any words that you’ve said
but they’re gone now
Trying my best to keep up with your pace
but you’re too fast
Trying my best to get off of this fence
for I won’t last

Maybe we can try to be better this time
Maybe we can try to be better this time

I’m just a speckle of dust
in this gigantic world now
I’m going only where the air will take me
bring me down now

And my smiles turn to tears
and I’m facing my fears
can’t you see me
trying my best to reach out for your hand
you won’t let me in
and I’ve done what I can
you keep changing your plans
do you need me

Maybe we can try to be better this time
Maybe we can try to be better this time

so let me in
let me in
let me in
let me in
let me…
-

Zee Avi is the new A Fine Frenzy + Rachel Yamagata. Which in my terms, GREAT SINGER.

I love sad songs.

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have."

Stephen Chbosky - The Perks Of Being A Wallflower
-

My mother should understand this. Actually, everyone should.